I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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