Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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