just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have already put on my inside pants.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
