so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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