My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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