The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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