I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
