We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
