God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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