please come you make the beer taste better
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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