good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
