You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
