I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
