i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
