So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
