Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize