Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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