is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
