Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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