I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
