i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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