It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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