me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
