Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
