worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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