made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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