By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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