margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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