After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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