Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
