You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
