they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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