he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
