ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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