win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
