I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
this is an emotional support booty call
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
