I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
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hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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