I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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