He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
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I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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