Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
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He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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