its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
