It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
