I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
