i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
