party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
