Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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