the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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