Don't make out with my wife yet
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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