Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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