This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
