The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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