he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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