So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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