You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
