I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
