She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
