Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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