if you like me you must not know who I am
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
